One ticket to the gun show please?

Last week was ridiculous. Between 3 lengthy papers, endless phone calls from auto financing sleaze-balls, work, and practicum, I was so ready for a break. And by break I mean a weekend of doing nothing, except laying in bed, eating lots of fattening food, catching up on Grey's Anatomy, and viewing all 3 of my Blockbuster Total Access wonders.

However, there were other things in store for me. My self-indulgent plans came to an abrupt halt when I got the call.

The Jude (AKA adopted mom) phoned Thursday afternoon to say she would be driving down (from Washington, where she is currently living) to spend the weekend.

As as in Friday through Sunday.

As in within the next 24 hours.

As in monopolizing my fantastic weekend of solitary aloneness.

Shaking my head in shock, disbelief and a hint of excitement, I prepared for her visit. This entailed cleaning the house (which meant I had to make my bed... something I never do) and other things you do when you find out mom's coming to visit. Like, stock your house with fresh groceries and throw out those Applebee's leftovers that have been sitting in your fridge for gawd knows how long so she doesn't give you that "I know I raised you better then that" look of judgment/disappointment when she enters your kitchen. And conveniently lay out all your school books and ratty shoes, showing her how hard you're working and how badly you need to go (i.e. she needs to take you) shopping.

6:45 Friday night, my phone rings, it's The Jude.


TJ: Hi, Shell? Um, I'm in Sacramento. I just got off the freeway, but I don't know where I am.

S: Ok, well... where are you?

TJ: Well, I got off on Richards... and now I'm in a parking lot, but there's no lights so I can't read the cross-street sign.

S: (Attempting to sound as caring as possible yet trying not to burst out laughing) Ok, well, why did you get off the freeway?

TJ: Well, I don't know, this was a bad idea, I shouldn't have done this!


10 minutes later I was able to calm her down and locate her at a gas station.

We got her checked in at her hotel and had a lovely dinner. She is a very sweet lady, kind and beautiful. She's a loving grandmother and a volunteer at her church (please keep this in mind as you read the next section).

As I dropped her off at her hotel later that evening, she continues to impress me with how surprising she can be.


TJ: You'll never guess what I have in the front seat of my car.

S: What?

TJ: A gun.

S: WHAT?!?! Why do you have a gun??

TJ: My son let me borrow it.

S: Why does your son have a gun???

TJ: Well, actually he has two guns.

S: Why on earth does he have TWO guns???

TJ: He hunts, everybody has guns in Washington. He gave it to me for protection on the drive.


Turns out there were no bullets in the gun (shocking, I know). From there our weekend was rather dull. I think the only way it could have increased with excitement is if she had a dead hitchhiker in her trunk. I mean, when your mom's got a gun, you know that's pretty much the peak of your thrills for a while.